Monday, April 14, 2014

Fragile

Fragility is scary. That risk of shattering into pieces so tiny they can never be fit back together. Shards that pierce your heart, your soul. Fragments that burrow in deep, cutting apart millimeter by excruciating millimeter.

Better to be tough and protected. Practical and sturdy. I'll trade my bone china for dishwasher safe, microwave safe, ovenproof crockery.

But it's a lie, this safety. It crumbles around you. Hearts shatter, souls explode. There is no protection from life. There is just the delicate balance of living with risk, with fear...with possibility.

The risk of being broken on the floor, bleeding out from soul deep wounds, is also the risk of discovering the true essence of yourself; the strength, wisdom, sheer grit and unanticipated beauty that comes from rebuilding, as unfair and unwanted as the reconstruction may be.

There is beauty in the rough edges, the cracks and seams, the missing gaps where pieces were lost and never found.

Because, there are gaps and lost parts - crevices that are never filled or covered over. But maybe it's the cracks where the gust of thankfulness rushes through.

Maybe it's the gap where the whirlwind of wonder forms.

Maybe it's the vibration in the fracture that makes us recognize and sing with the exquisite pleasure of each beautifully fragile moment of time that we're given.

Friday, March 28, 2014

My First


My mom is sick. Look both ways at the cross walk and get hit by a truck anyway sick.

I’m scared. Scared to think, scared to feel, scared not to.

My mother is my First.

My first sound was her heartbeat.

My first movement was the sway of her walk.

My first touch was the warmth of her body.

My first.

There is a connection that can’t be severed by time, distance, or independence. A cellular connection, a oneness with the feelings of the other.  It is beyond empathy, beyond thought, beyond explanation.

It is the bond of joint ownership of kidneys and blood. It is the anxiety of separation and the relief of being in the same room together. It is the timing of my breath with hers, the deep inhale listening for rattles, the exhale when nothing is heard.

My brain is rational, digesting facts and figures with keen interest and pleasure. My heart is emotion, big wave after small wave crashing in a tumble of fear and hope. But my cells just know.

She is my only.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Predator

So, The Princess isn't really into dolls, fairies, or even princesses anymore. She's completely in love with animals. All animals, insects, reptiles, extinct dinosaurs are on her list but when she plays pretend she almost always chooses to be some type of predator.

I am now very adept at holding a stuffed animal out at arms length so that the Caracal in the house can practice her jumping techniques to catch her prey...

A Lion once bit me in the butt in the kitchen.

Sweetpea is often roped into playing the "prey" and runs shrieking through the house while the Cheetah nips at her heels.

After being roped into being a Polar Bear I was informed that the Killer Whale would rip my arms and legs off easily because of the rows of sharp teeth.



And then...

At her school presentation this week The Princess brought her stuffed seal to talk about. The stuffed seal that is the size of her younger sister and is wearing a tutu. She didn't tell me what the presentation content would be but I assumed, considering the tutu, that it would involve a nice story about sleeping with and dancing with her favorite seal.

"Hi my name is ________ and today I would like to tell you about my seal. This is my stuffed seal and I like to sleep with her at night. She has spots because she is a leopard seal. She lives in the Arctic and she eats penguins."

The end.

No mention of the tutu or dancing or that they're cute with big eye-lashed eyes. Then one of her classmates asked her if she had a stuffed penguin.

"No. She ate it."

Monday, January 13, 2014

Spring Fever (It might just be wool fibers lodged in my lungs)

Where have I been? Oh, where have I been...

I am neck deep in the retail world and about a season ahead of everyone else. Last night I was dismantling and revamping an entire store. What this meant for me specifically is, among other things, sorting and hanging rugs. Some of them weighed more than I do, no joke. And I had to haul them up a ladder (with one other petite girl) and then clip them to hanging racks. We were both covered in a fine dust, actual dirt, and wool fibers that stuck to our sweaty skin. It's a glamorous job, don't be fooled.

Once finished we hied ourselves over to the candle shop where we moved an entire wall of candles, floor to ceiling to a different part of the wall. Candles aren't lightweight either.

All this to say that, while I actually enjoy the organizing part, I didn't expect quite so much heavy lifting.

Spring is right around the corner people. You might not see it yet but it's in creation at a retail store near you as we speak!

Monday, December 30, 2013

Soul Food

Things that are nourishing me right now:
  • Lattes
  • Giant bear hugs from Sweetpea. She has quite a grip whether it's around my knees or my neck.
  • My running group. Getting up at 5:30 to run is pure torture, especially in the cold. But, having a group of women to run with and who gracefully bear with my sporadic availability is worth it every single time I can be there. Plus, it's an extra boost of energy which is greatly needed right now (goes right along with the caffeine)
  • Free, worry-free, generously available childcare from my mom and dad.
  • "Removing myself from any form of reality" books.
  • Random and numerous facts The Princess shares with me.
  • Two small children sleeping together in the top bunk because the little one is anxious and lonely in her new big bottom bunk.
  • Retail shifts that involve me organizing for 5 hours straight. (You want the wall of clearance items completely revamped? Yay!)
  • A lot of chocolate (good thing for the running!)

Things that are sucking the life right out of me:
  • Continued lack of employment for Steve.
  • Sweetpea asking if I'm going to be there when she wakes up because so often I'm not.
  • Any type of sickness that threatens the delicate balance I've got going on right now.

The length of lists is at a good ratio at least.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Nuance

As a stay at home mom it's sometimes hard to live with the day in, day out monotony of the never-ending chores, nose wiping, question answering, meal making and laundry. Sometimes you get bogged down in the, what feels like, drudgery.


But, I've been out of the monotony for 2 months now. And, when you're not in the monotony you also miss the little nuances, the tiny changes in speech, the quirk of the brow when a little one suddenly understands that they can make a joke, the new facts they know, the change in the color of their hair.

I miss knowing the nuances.